A Day in the Life of Karkat Vantas, Managing Editor of The Daily Soarbeast

jumpingjacktrash:

ceruleancynic:

tweedymcgee:

D34R MR V4NT4S

1 4M CONT4CT1NG YOU TOD4Y ON B3H4LF OF MY CL13NT

H3R 3XC3LL3NCY MS DURG4 T1GR4S 4DJUD3C4P1T4TOR FOR TH3 SOUTH3RN D1STR1CT

WHOS3 PHOTO 4PP34R3D ON TH3 FRONT OF TH3 SO4RB34ST’S ‘SP3C14L S1XTH P3R1G33 S3CT1ON’ L4ST THURSD4Y

UND3R TH3 C4PT1ON ‘4LT3RN14S TOP T3N CULL DODG3RS: TH3 POW3R 1SSU3’

TH3 1MPL1C4T1ON TH4T MS T1GR1S H4S SH1RK3D H3R DUTY 4S 4N 4LT3RN14N C1T1Z3N 1S B4S3L3SS L1B3L 4G41NST 4 S1TT1NG C1V1L S3RV4NT

1 H3R3BY D3M4ND 4N 1MM3D14T3 R3TR4CT1ON

4LSO TH3 SURR3ND3R OF YOUR C3NTR4L S1L1COMB HUB 4ND 1TS QU33N TO TH3 PROP3R 4UTHOR1T13S

4ND TH3 PUBL1C CULL1NG OF TH3 THR33 R3PORT3RROR1STS WHOS3 BYL1N3S 4PP34R 1N TH3 S3CT1ON

W3 W1LL 4LSO R3QU1R3 4N 4POLOG3T1C 3D1TOR14L P3NN3D BY YOURS3LF P3RSON4LLY

WH1CH SH4LL B3 PR3-4PPROV3D FOR COMPL14NC3 W1TH TH3 1MP3R14L S3RV1L1TY 4CT BY 4 TR41N3D SQU4DRON OF PROP4G4ND4SS4SS1NS

4NY F41LUR3 TO COMPLY W1TH TH1S R3QU3ST W1LL B3 TR34T3D 4S 4 BR34CH OF H1V3L4ND S3CUR1TY

4ND W1LL R3SULT 1N TH3 1MM3D14T3 L1QU3F4CT1ON OF YOUR N3WSROOM 4ND TH3 CONV3RS1ON OF 1TS OCCUP4NTS 1NTO NUTR1T1ON SLURRY

S1NC3R3LY YOURS

L3G1SL4C3R4TOR T3R3Z1 PYROP3 OF D3W3Y CULLH4M 4ND HOW3 4SSOC14T3S

>:]

AHEM. IT MUST BE LUNCHTIME.

GATHER ROUND, MY WIGGLERS, MY LITTLE SQUIRMING SQUEAKBEASTS OF UNTOLD AND ABYSMAL IGNORANCE, FOR I PRESENT UNTO YOUR DELICATE AURAL SPONGE CLOTS THE SOARBEAST’S LEGAL THREAT OF THE DAY.

I GIVE THIS ONE AN EIGHT POINT FIVE OUT OF TEN FOR GRAMMAR, SPELLING, AND LACK OF REFERENCE TO TOTALLY INAPPLICABLE LEGISLACERATIVE STATUTES. PYROPE’S ONE OF THE BEST.

IT’S NOT AS GOOD AS THE ONE LAST PERIGEE FROM THAT CAVALREAPER WHO TOOK ISSUE WITH OUR FEATURE ON AGALMATOPHILIA AND THE FACT HE HAS NEVER PUBLICLY DENIED SPENDING TWO WEEKS IN A MOTEL WITH AN ANATOMICALLY CORRECT MODEL OF A MOTHER GRUB. THAT WAS FUCKING PRICELESS. WHAT DID I WRITE BACK? AH, YES. “PLEASE HAVE YOUR LEGISLACERATIVE COUNSEL CONTACT ME WHEN HE OR SHE IS FULLY INFLATED.”

MISS MARYAM, SEND OUT THE STANDARD RESPONSES CCING EVERYONE ALSO FEATURED IN THAT PIECE. I MUST BE SLIPPING, THAT’S ONLY THE SECOND THREAT OF SLURRIFICATION WE’VE RECEIVED THIS PERIGEE. REMIND ME TO RUN SOME MORE INFLAMMATORY MATERIAL AT THE EARLIEST OPPORTUNITY, AND HOLD ALL MY CALLS, I AM GOING THE FUCK TO LUNCH.

COMING SOON……

roachpatrol:

wecansexy:

The next chapter of The Serendipity Gospels will be up early this weekend! :D

It’s over 23k. 

And there sure are some things that are going to happen.

This is very exciting, I love Serendipity Gospels!

One of Our Submarines (21) sonar ping 7

vastderp:

HG: grafts

HE: Yeah. Like this.

HG: uh

HG: looks like somefins guts

Subtitle: In Which Luka Has Way Too Much Fun Designing Gooey Pink Cybernetics.

Read on AO3

Oh my gosh, this is just getting deliciously horrible

Eridan baby, Sollux baby it’ll be alright oh I’m going to cry //rolls

Great fic is great!

kuzudoodles:

blindmouse:

kuzudoodles:

A cute fic.

if anyone knows the author I’d love to be able to give them my compliments

Oh man, I couldn’t understand why this fic was getting a flood of new kudoses today. This is so darling, I am completely delighted. I can’t close the tab, I just keep beaming at it.

Dude, you’re awesome, and you should feel awesome.

Ah good, I’m glad you found this, and I’m glad you like it! And also that it encouraged people to look at the fic itself. :)

Cute pic, cute fic

─ errata: urbananchorite: I have certainly read Miracle Child, and so should... ─

kaossparrow:

urbananchorite:

cladomasochist:

urbananchorite:

I have certainly read Miracle Child, and so should everyone in the audience who likes Gamzee (though read the warnings)! I came into it late — I only read it back in, I think, late February — and at the time went a little whey-faced with oh, shit, this basically has…

And so! The Serendipity Gospels Terezi and Sephar from Miracle Child share a cold beverage of woe and whine about the Capricorns in their lives.

Stop me I need to go be productive or at least eat food. 

How did I miss this unbearably beautiful picture? I am tickled pink.

#they’re going to need more alcohol #miracle child #trinitystuck #terezi stop complaining #nobody has bitten you in the gill #you have also never had to be his roomie #like meaningfully

BRAMBLE

Both of the aforementioned fics have given me more respect for Gamzee as a character. And both Gamzee’s are written fuckin F A N T A S T I C okay, so just go read them UvU

It’s like 9pm here and I’ve been up for 12 hours and I have literally done nothing but read fics and squeal and drool all day

RELATED: ==> Fic recommendations

Cranked Up To Intimate - John/Dave/Karkat OT3 [incomplete]

Of Honey And Clementines - Sollux/Eridan with spattering of minor pairings. Heavy trigger warnings for abuse, rape, molestion and other things related to a really creepy uncle :I [incomplete]

OHAC is almost at 40 chapters, but pretty much ALL of it had me squirming in joy or happiness or just… well, just go read it, seriously~ <3

The Other Side of the Heart Chapter 15 Complete

jumpingjacktrash:

ceruleancynic:

inkskratches:

Alternately titled “lol jk”

Just on AO3 for now because FF.net decided it didn’t want to let me log in.

You had your chance, FF.net.

You had your chance.

Oh my god I love this fic so much. SO MUCH.

‘did he then shit velociraptors or something?’

i love this fic so much i would be its designated driver on new year’s eve.

i love this fic so much i am actually reading it as it updates instead of waiting for it to be finished as is my usual policy.

There is one line in this chapter, pertaining directly to tables and their uses, than would have made me literally spit my drink. My laptop is fortunate I wasn’t drinking anything or it would be drowned.

─ Karkat + Lobsters ─

jumpingjacktrash:

this is hands down the funniest fic i have ever read. toward the end i actually put my hand over my mouth and said ‘oh my god’ out loud. in fact, i still have a weird sort of half horrified, half orgasmic grin on my face. it may have stuck like this.

This is ridiculous nonsense and also hilariously good~ <3

the true story of what was [snow white/sleeping beauty]

gyzym:

It is a tale with many names—you may have heard it once or twice. They speak of Snow White and the dwarves that loved her well; they speak of Snow White and the huntsman who could not bear to kill her; they speak of Snow White and the Evil Queen, and expect you to nod along. Snow White, that paragon of virtue, that beautiful, beautiful girl, felled by an apple and saved by a man (and oh, isn’t than an old story). 

Lore is kind, isn’t it—well, isn’t it? Is it better that our children smile at the end of the story, that their dreams are unmarred with the trail of blood that might be more honest, that they grow up around that which is gentle, instead of that which is true? They say history repeats itself, and there is certainly no arguing that; perhaps lore isn’t kind. Perhaps, in fact, it is dangerous. 

Whatever the case, this is the tale of she who came to be called Snow White, and the tale of the woman who loved her. Be not fooled by the trappings history has provided: this is an assassination story. 

Read More

Gosh, these stories are just fantastic //rolls around happily

learning an angry language (red riding hood/rapunzel)

gyzym:

She is born screaming. 

Her mother smiles, exhausted, and calls her Scarlett for the color on her cheeks.  It is her grandmother who gives her the cape, knitted with shaking hands; it is her father who bestows her the nickname Little Red, grinning indulgently at her from across the fire. She has the run of the house, cape billowing behind her like wings, laughter always thick on her tongue; she listens carefully, but well. She knows better than to talk to strangers in the forest. She is a good daughter. 

The wolf stalks her, and she hardens. The wolf eats her grandmother, and she hardens. The huntsman saves her, cuts her free, and Scarlett watches the old woman she loves so well beat him with a nearby walking stick, furious beyond the telling of it that they didn’t just let her go.

She hardens. She grows up. She is not little anymore, though she will always be Red. She was born screaming. There are worse things in the forest than wolves. 

Read More

Fantastic~ ovo